The Gift: 1968 - 2019

It has taken me 50 years to figure this all out. This is my culmination of those years, and a gift to myself to accept these things and not let others expectations or ideas make me feel less than. 2019.

I refuse to adapt to what is "normal" (who is normal?) or believe myself less-than because I am an individual and a person and I don't give a shit about how I am percieved.

Fighting my natually nocturnal self for most of my life has, I realize, hurt me considerably in every way. It is not a disorder. This is part of what I am. I will no longer fight it. Most appointments I can get afternoon time slots. I sleep a normal amount of sleep most "nights". Anytime I have been forced to adapt a diurnal schedule, I had horrible insomnia. I rarely got enough sleep. It is rare that I can sleep before 4am. Now, now I am accepting this. Fuck fighting against what I am.

Gradually over the past maybe six months, not sure, I started - became - not lonely 99% of the time. I love my own company. Perhaps this is partially due to my sex drive going from a lifetime of above average level to nearly non-existant. For right now at least, I don't want to date, I don't want a sexual relationship. I love hanging out with my friends sometimes. My home, my cats, my art and books and games and writing. These four walls. Cooking, meditating, being kind to myself. I am happiest in the middle of the night, by myself, doing the things I love. When I walk around, get groceries, etc., I smile at people that look like they need it, or because they don't need it. Be polite, but don't let anyone take advantage of you. Be kind to people. Small things do matter. You matter. Love yourself. Take control of yourself.

And regarding food, don't eat crap. Cook your own meals when you can, and I do know that most people do not have the time to do this often. Have a few hours free and a little energy? Make a huge pot of soup, or a grain and beans, veggies, hell even meat if you must (in moderation), and portion it out. A few days' worth in the fridge. The rest in the freezer. Food in boxes or frozen (except for frozen veggies-those frozen packs are a lifesaver when you don't have time, energy, or money to clean, chop, and store them before they go bad.) are mostly crap. Eat leafy greens, a variety of colors of foods, nuts, seeds, grains, etc etc., but food that fits YOUR bodies needs. Sugar is crap. I still eat more than I should. Eating at restaurants is expensive. Blah blah, you know what I am saying. You've heard it all before. I digress.

I realized that I am a HSP, which is a term for being overly sensitive. It is not a disorder. This is how I am. I have drank and used drugs for most of my adult life to dull my overwhelmedness that I have experienced all of my life. I used to play music all the time. Now I can only play music occasionally, and nothing harsh or loud... to think that Skinny Puppy used to be one of my favorite bands. I cannot listen to any of their music anymore. It's hard to handle being around more that one or two people at a time. Bright lights hurt, especially loud lights, flourescents, flashing. I cannot wear tight clothing, which is part of why I hate the cold - having to wear layers of clothes that are close to my skin. Synthetic materials. The barking of dogs. Speeding cars. Loud voices. Etcetera.

Trigger warning: (suicide) I was suicidal for about a year and a half. This mostly stopped about 6 months ago. I still have horrible nearly daily anxiety. I still am bipolar (and refuse to tip-toe around it), and always will be. I have chronic pain. I have a serious heart condition. But I am learning to accept all these things.

All these things. So much more.

There are so many things I want to say that I am sometimes mute. And sometimes I want to sit and be silent and I talk and talk. I am becoming. My mind is infinite.

This is my life and I must live it the way that I want to fucking live it. This is my gift to myself.